Tips For A Marriage That Works

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Build a marriage
People marry believing that they would have a good marriage. However, happiness does not necessarily follow from courtship romance. A good marriage is built after the honeymoon. It begins with a decision to live, to appreciate and to enjoy the real person you married. This takes commitment and a lot of effort.

As a start, build strong foundations for a stable marriage with love and mutual respect. To love is to care about another person as you would care about yourself. To have mutual respect for another person is to have positive regard and consideration for each other. It means recognition, acceptance and tolerance of differences. It involves adopting a give-and-take attitude and allows for forgiveness.

Recognise factors that influence our behaviour
We do not expect another person to share exactly the same tastes, perceptions and behaviour. Yet, when two people marry, they each define the relationship in terms of their own expectations and desires. There is a strong tendency to mould your partner after your own image. Therein lies a sort of power play. It can lead to irreconcilable differences.

It helps to recognise the factors that shape our behaviour. These include our families of origin, our beliefs, our interests and our value systems (e.g. standards of behaviour, dressing, hygiene, traditions, family relationships, aspirations, etc.)

When we are conscious of such influences, we become more thoughtful in treating our partners. We also become more understanding when our partners behave the way they do.

Communicate effectively
Effective communication reinforces a marital relationship. We need to express our thoughts and feelings and we want attention and responses. Communication is a skill that needs practice and continuous improvements. Communication is more listening than speaking. The way we express our thoughts and feelings is important and this is reflected in the tone and volume of our voice. The way we listen is just as important because we must interpret carefully what we hear and watch out for verbal and non-verbal cues (e.g. facial expressions)

Men and women have been stereotyped about how they communicate.For instance, men are thought to focus more on objective and impersonal subjects, while women on emotional and personal subjects.Women are deemed to be more comfortable and spontaneous in talking about feelings and intimate topics. Whereas men tend to seek solutions in their conversations and are sparing in praise and compliments.
Learn to check/reflect on feelings expressed by your partner. This helps you to internalise the emotions of your partner, clarify your understanding of the situation, and convey empathy (e.g. your partner remarks, “There is so much work to do. And you’re telling me what I should be doing?!...” You could respond gently, “I understand that you are feeling upset and tired because there is so much to do...”)
Indulge in regular routine conversations, e.g. news, jokes and daily happenings at work.
Spend time to communicate. Laugh together. Share feelings. Try harder listening rather than talking.
Talk about topics that are mutually satisfying. When emotionally-charged issues surface, listen more and use check/reflection techniques. Never jump quickly to retort; it will only escalate emotions.
Explore flexible and creative ways of communication e.g. writing short notes, using symbolic cues and messages, physical contacts, etc.
Nurture a wider scope of conversation and the places where it can take place. Enjoy group conversations with friends.

Resolve conflicts
There are bound to be differences between two persons. These can lead to conflicts which, if left unresolved, weigh down a marriage. Conflicts can arise over work, money, children, in-laws, neglect, habits and infidelity. The typical, often destructive ways couples respond include: ignoring the problem; erupting with emotions; suppressing feelings; giving the “cold silent treatment”; complaining to others and breaking up the marriage. Here are some tips:
Resolve the issue at hand and do not let it be prolonged.
Establish certain rules to conflict resolution such as place, time, clarification of roles and expectations, using no threats, making no comparisons with others, and no name-calling.
Settle the specific issue and do not attack the person. Never pin blame on your partner. Do not drag up past issues.
Observe good communication techniques.
Leave out the “You” messages (e.g.“You always do this ... You never help out.”) Instead, use “I” (e.g. “I am very stressed at work. I appreciate your help in the housework.”)
Value a compromise: it’s more workable in the long run. Do not aim to win an argument.
Enlist a mutually agreeable confidante to mediate or engage professional counselling and help.
Cherish the Bond
Marriage is a lifetime partnership. Treasure it for its most beautiful moments. When your boss is demanding; your customers behave like kings and your friends have no time for you, a loving partner is a source of comfort and support.

In times of stress, whether arising from the family or work, it helps to think of some wonderful things your partner has done for you. Learn to be appreciative and give compliments. Adopt a give-and-take attitude. Spend time together. Show affection. Basically, we have to work hard for a marriage that works.

Adapted from “Tips For A Marriage That Works” pamphlet produced by the Ministry of Community Development.